The Speedo of Doom
by Lady Jaye1
Summary: A bored Circe is at it again, but this time she isn't turning people into pigs. Final chapter up.
1. The Question

_Disclaimer: I don't own or write for DC._

**The Speedo of Doom**

_Chapter 1: The Question_

It was hard to be an evil (or somewhat evil) goddess these days. First she had spent centuries in the Pit of Tartarus with that ugly Medusa woman. Then she had been ordered not to touch Hippolyta (but not Diana!) and then, of course, there had been that deal with Batman.

She'd have to think of another way to make him sing again.

Circe needed a new game. Zeus had recently banned her from turning any more people into animals. The reason for the said ban may have had something to do with her turning Ares into a squirrel on account of a recent disagreement.

Ares had made one psychotic squirrel.

Fortunately for Circe, she had spotted a pair of Justice Leaguers (well, one former Leaguer and a current one) as they embarked on a dreaded shopping mission.

Well…dreaded for the Question anyway.

"Helena…do we really need to do this?" Vic Sage asked. Helena Bertinelli shot him a glare.

"Q…I'm not going to the beach with you unless you get a new pair of shorts!"

"What's wrong with the old one?"

The Huntress hit him in the arm, causing him to yelp. Intrigued, Circe cast an invisibility spell on herself and followed the pair into the mall.

"_Helena_…" the Question whined. "I hate malls. They…"

"Vic…it's a _mall_. I don't see any federal agents spying behind fake plastic bushes."

"Of course not, they have hidden cameras inside the bushes."

"Vic!"

Vic Sage soon found himself being dragged forcefully into the nearest clothing store. Defeated, he trudged after Helena as she stalked into the men's section.

Looking at the assortment of brightly colored swimming clothes, Circe came up with a brilliant scheme.

Unaware of their spy, Vic Sage stared at the assortment of swimming trunks. So many to choose from. Which were the least dangerous?

"For the love of God, Vic. They're not going to bite you."

"Helena, do you realize that these were most likely made by hundreds of children working as cheap labor in overseas sweat shops?"

Helena glared. Vic suddenly became very interested in choosing between a red pair and a green pair of swimming trunks. The Huntress peered over the assortment of clothing before settling on a nearby rack of Speedos. A particular pair drew her attention.

The Huntress smirked.

"Oh _Vic_…" she sang out. Ignoring a sudden feeling of dread, the Question looked over at his girlfriend. Helena shoved a pair of bright blue Speedos into his face.

"JL?" he asked carefully. The initials of the Justice League stood out in bright yellow against the stretchy spandex. Realization hit him.

"I'm _not_ wearing that! _Heeeleeenaa_!"

"You are if you don't hurry up," Helena warned.

As quick as the Flash at lunchtime, Vic Sage had grabbed a random pair of swimming trunks and raced towards the checkout.

"Hmm…" Helena murmured, looking at the Speedos. A smirk crossed her lips as she walked towards the checkout with the spandex in hand. She was going to buy it, if only to torment Charles Victor Szasz.

Unknown to Helena Bertinelli, a certain goddess had placed a magic spell on the said pair of bright blue Speedos.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Vic Sage's first notion that something wasn't right was when Helena had stuck the awful Speedo to his refrigerator with magnets. He had frozen before ripping it off and throwing it into the trash.

Later that evening, he had found the blue Speedos sitting on top of his computer. Thinking that a certain female had dragged it out of the trash, he simply threw it into a corner of his living room with the intent of dealing with it later.

**The next day:**

"Uh…Vic? What's this?"

Vic Sage, investigative reporter for KBEL News in Hub City, stared at his desk at work.

Helena had placed the blue Speedos at his desk at _work_! Now his coworkers were smirking behind their hands as the greatly embarrassed Vic Sage grabbed the swimming attire off of his desk and stalked into the men's bathroom.

He flushed it down one of the toilets.

**That night:**

"Helena!"

"I didn't do it Vic!" Helena protested. "I admit, I did dig it out of the trash and put it on your computer, but I didn't take it to your work!"

Impossible as it was, Vic knew Helena well enough to realize that she wasn't lying. Fortunately, the said Speedo had met its demise in the toilet.

**The next day:**

"No…impossible…flushed…down…toilet…" Vic Sage stuttered. The offending article of clothing was sitting on his kitchen table, looking brand new.

"Improbable…perhaps Speedo…cursed…?"

Pulling himself together, the Question grabbed the Speedo and marched towards his kitchen sink with new resolve. He pulled out a set of matches from his cabinets and lit them up.

He dropped three lit matches in the dreaded pair of Speedos.

One minute…

Two…

The damned thing wouldn't burn!

Vic Sage stared at it for a long time. Four more minutes passed until he was forced to put out the flames before they spread past the sink.

He retreated across the room and sat warily at his kitchen table, staring at the sink and the hated object inside it.

"Impossible…improbable…"

What the hell was it? Who made fireproof Speedos anyway? Was this some evil plan of the Illuminati?

Deciding to do an experiment, the Question finally picked up the offending bright blue swimwear with a pair of tweezers, unwilling to actually touch it.

He tossed it out an open window.

Vic Sage walked into his bedroom and found that the Speedos were sitting on top of his bed, in pristine condition.

The Question backed slowly out of the room.

Either someone in the Justice League was playing a trick on him or the Speedos were cursed.

The Illuminati had gone too far this time.

Vic Sage supposed he could have asked for help. It seemed likely that magic was possibly involved. However…even though he was well known as a crackpot and a nutcase, even the Question had his limits.

There was absolutely **NO** way in _Hell _that he was going to admit to being haunted by a pair of possessed Speedos. There were some lines that even _he_ wouldn't cross.

The Question sat on the ground, glaring menacingly at his spandex enemy. After what seemed to be nearly an eternity, the red haired man finally decided to do one more test.

He flushed it down the toilet. Again. And again. And again.

Each time it reappeared somewhere in his apartment, as new and clean as when Helena had bought it.

"Dear God…what have I done to deserve this?" Vic Sage moaned. Frustrated, he tried to set it on fire again.

Half an hour later of several more failed attempts at destruction, the Question admitted defeat.

The Question sat staring at the Speedo well into the night, too disturbed and frustrated to attempt to sleep or work.

There was a pattern here. The Speedo appeared to be invincible to any physical attempts to destroy it. Also, every time he threw it away…it always returned unharmed to its owner.

Returned to its owner…

Its owner…

It returned to its owner.

Vic Sage nearly danced with glee as he started to hum to a random pop song. He had it! He had it he had it he had it…

All he had to do was change its ownership. If he couldn't destroy the damn thing he'd give it away!

Charles Victor Szasz rummaged through his back closet until he pulled out a small, cardboard box. He threw the offending blue Speedo into it and taped it up.

After a moment of consideration, he decided to wrap it up in some leftover Christmas wrapping paper in his closet. Then he pulled out a gift tag and taped it to the box.

Now…who to give it away to?

Vic Sage pondered this for a long while before writing:

_**To:** Oliver Queen  
__**From:** A Fellow Leaguer_

Satisfied with himself, the Question resolved to drop off the package at the Watchtower the next day.


	2. Green Arrow

_Disclaimer: I don't own or write for DC._

_**I live! Sorry for the delayed updates. For those of you waiting for me to update my other stories, you can check my profile for the status of my other stories. I'll be updating my profile at least once a week on when stories will be or should be updated.**_

**The Speedo of Doom**

_Chapter Two: Green Arrow_

Oliver Queen stared suspiciously at the small gift box wrapped hurriedly with Christmas wrapping paper. Whoever had wrapped it either was in a hurry or just had absolutely no skill.

A certain Scarlet Speedster came to mind.

"You're not going to find out what's in it until you open it," Wildcat pointed out. The two men were currently sitting on the couch in Ollie's room. The older man had just happened to be with the archer when he found the suspicious package sitting innocently outside his door.

"It's July, who wraps presents in Christmas paper in July? It's not even my birthday," Ollie pointed out. Wildcat shrugged his shoulders.

"Christmas in July?" Ted suggested. Ollie looked at him before finally ripping off the wrapping paper. He carefully peered inside.

Inside sat the blue Speedo, adorned with the golden yellow Roman letters of 'JL'.

"What the hell is _this_?" Ollie picked up the swimming wear and peered closely at it.

"Maybe Dinah's trying to send you a message," Wildcat smirked. The Green Arrow frowned at him a moment before a mischievous smile glinted at his lips.

"Well if that's the case…" Ollie said. He stood up and slipped on the Speedo over his green clothing.

It fit perfectly.

………………………………………………………………………………….

Black Canary's eyes widened with increasing horror as the Green Arrow came marching into the Watchtower control room, wearing what suspiciously looked like a Speedo over his clothing.

And…was that the letters 'JL' embroidered over his crotch?

"OLLIE!" She screamed. Oliver Queen froze as the smirk fell from his face, only to be replaced by a deer-in-the-headlights look. Wildcat, who had been trailing behind him, took a cautionary step back.

"You mean...you didn't give this to me?" Ollie asked cautiously. He winced as Dinah screamed 'NO!' at him.

By this time, Green Arrow had the undivided attention of everyone in the control room. Everyone, including a certain Scarlet Speedster, was curious as to how this would play out.

"Come on Canary," the Flash said quickly, "What's wrong with…"

"Off!" Dinah commanded. She pointed a threatening finger at Oliver Queen. "Take it off!"

"Take it _all_ off Arrow!" A female voice shouted. Dinah turned her head to glare at Vixen, who only smirked back. Green Arrow groaned as the whole control room soon erupted into a series of catcalls and whistles.

"Fine!" Ollie muttered darkly.

"I'll take it," Wally West offered. Ollie glared at him. Wally watched in amusement as the Emerald Archer grasped the Speedo and tugged down on it. Ollie paused and suddenly glared suspiciously at the blue Speedo before tugging on it again.

The damn thing wouldn't budge!

"I'm _waiting_," Dinah said forcefully, this time with a playful smirk. She raised an eyebrow when Oliver Queen cast a slightly panicked look in her direction before again pulling uselessly at the Speedo.

"Ollie?" she asked carefully. At first she thought Ollie was just pretending not to be able to remove it, but with the man's face reddening with his increased frustration (and no doubt humiliation) she knew that something was wrong. The Green Arrow tugged harder at the cursed swimming wear before finally wailing.

"**IT WON'T COME OFF!!"**

With that, Dinah rushed forward and grasped the blue spandex between her fingers and pulled with all her might.

Nothing.

"What the hell did you do!?" She yelled.

"I didn't do anything!" Ollie shouted back. "It was in this box addressed to me and I…"

"And you put it on!?"

Dinah stared at him. Hadn't the man suspected that it might be a prank!? She glared at him a moment before bracing one foot against Ollie's thigh and pulled at the Speedo again. Again, nothing.

"Ollie!"

"It's not my fault!"

"You walked into this on your own!"

"This is your fault Wally!" Oliver Queen finally accused. The Flash's mouth hung open in surprise before holding up his hands in protest.

"It wasn't me!" The Flash shouted. "I had nothing to do with it! I swear on Granny Flash's grave!"

"GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!" The Green Arrow pleaded, coming very close to losing his composure and the rest of his dignity. Black Canary swore loudly before swiveling around to point at both Vixen and Steel.

"You! You're both the strongest in here! Come over and help me!" she commanded.

Oliver Queen silently (and also loudly) began to curse whoever had sent him the Christmas box. Many creative punishments came to his mind as Steel and Vixen grasped a hold of the cursed pair of Speedos.

"Careful," Steel warned. "We don't want to rip Arrow in two if this doesn't work."

"Right," Vixen nodded, pressing a hand to her totem to activate her elephant's strength.

"Wait, WHAT!?" Ollie protested.

"Shut up Ollie!" Dinah yelled.

"I don't want to die!!!"

"We'll be gentle," Vixen purred. Before Ollie could protest, she and Steel began tugging unsuccessfully on the blue spandex. A string of curses flew from the Emerald Archer's mouth.

Kara Kent walked through the doors of the control room, slurping on an iced mocha. She paused suddenly and turned off her iPod as she stared at what seemed to be Steel, Vixen, and Black Canary attempting to rip Green Arrow's clothing off.

"What is this, an orgy?" she asked.

"**FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!!"** Ollie roared.

…………………………………………………………………………

"We're glad to have you on the team," John Stewart said to the woman at his side. Bruce merely gave a nod to show his agreement.

"Well, it's about time I'd say," Amanda Waller answered. "And as the US Ambassador to the Justice League, I fully intend to offer my cooperation."

"Good to hear," Bruce finally said. "I can keep a better eye on you this way."

"The same goes to you too, Rich Boy," Amanda retorted. Bruce didn't respond, knowing full well that her words didn't contain as much of a threat as they seemed to.

"At least the Metrotower should be finished soon," John brought up, referring to the Justice League embassy currently being built in Metropolis. He, Bruce, and Amanda took a left down the next hallway and entered one of the elevator shafts.

"I'm curious to finally see the control room," Amanda Waller said. "Now I can see where you…" She paused and tilted her head. "Do I hear screaming?"

Bruce and John looked at each other and then up at the ceiling. Seconds later, the elevator door swished open to reveal the strangest of sights.

"Nonononononono….!" Green Arrow wailed. Supergirl and Steel currently had a death grip on the blue Spandex as they prepared to pull.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!" Ollie shouted.

"You want to keep it on!?" Dinah shouted back.

"**NO, BUT IT'S BETTER THAN DYING!"**

"Come on Arrow, I think the Speedo suits you," the Flash offered.

"Shut up Wally!"

"Hah! You were the one who was stupid enough to put it on!" the younger man retorted.

"YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING!"

"But it wasn't me, was it?" Wally answered innocently.

"YOU'RE DEAD WALLY!"

"On the count of three," Supergirl said, "Pull."

"NO! _WAIIIIIIT!"_ Oliver Queen wailed.

Bruce Wayne looked at John Stewart. John Stewart looked back. Amanda Waller shared a silent look with both of them.

"I believe that my tour of the control room can wait," Amanda finally said dryly.

Batman silently reached into his utility belt and pulled out a tiny camera. He swiftly snapped a few photos of the distressed Green Arrow before depositing the tiny machine back into the safety of his belt.

"Blackmail?" John smiled. Bruce smirked.

"Of course."

The trio quickly backed up and retreated back into the safety of the elevator, with the sounds of Green Arrow's cursing and the Flash's taunting following them. Silence finally enveloped the elevator as the chaos of the control room faded away. Bruce Wayne's lips quirked into the faintest hint of a smile when the doors finally opened at the next floor.

"Welcome to the Justice League Waller."

………………………………………………………………………………………….

"It's cursed! Cursed by the devil himself!" Ollie shouted.

Despite the fact that both Steel and Supergirl were yanking at the blue monstrosity (obviously not at full strength or a certain archer would be dead), the damn thing wouldn't come off.

"Magic?" Vixen wondered out loud. "Oh shove it Queen!" Mari finally shouted. "Why would the devil curse a pair of Speedos? You were the one dumb enough to put it on!"

"Yeah, not exactly one of your brightest moments GA," Steel added.

"SHUT UP!"

"I don't think I want it anymore," the Flash quipped, retracting his earlier statement that he'd take the Speedos.

"You know what Flash!?" Ollie threatened. "As soon as I get this off, I'm giving them to you!"

"I don't want it!"

"TOO BAD! CALL IT A GIFT! AS OF NOW THEY BELONG TO YOU!" A vein threatened to pop on Ollie's head. However, as soon as the words were out of his mouth the Speedo slipped easily off and fell to his ankles.

Everyone stared at it. Wally stared down at it, stupefied, and then looked up into the malicious face of Green Arrow.

Wallace Rudolph West ran for dear life.

"You can't run forever!" Ollie threatened, waving the Speedo in the air. "I'll hunt you down!" The archer made to sprint towards the elevator, but fell flat on his face when his legs gave out on him.

"Well shit," Ollie muttered. Supergirl, Steel, and Vixen's rescue attempts had apparently taken a heavy toll on his body. He lifted his head after a long moment when he heard the elevator doors swish open again.

"Uh….." Was the only intelligent response that Captain Atom could find as he stepped into the control room.


	3. The Flash

**The Speedo of Doom**

_Chapter Three: The Flash_

Wallace Rudolph West was very displeased.

His day had gone downhill since he'd woken up. The blasted pair of Speedos had been draped over his alarm clock, mocking him. Enraged that Oliver Queen had somehow managed to sneak into his apartment while he was asleep, Wally had beamed up to the Watchtower and raced indignantly into Green Arrow's room in the infirmary.

Ollie had of course denied it. The man was still in pain from his treatment the day before, pointing out very loudly that he still could barely walk, 'thank you very much.' He of course, was quite pleased that the magic Speedo was now clinging to the Flash's presence.

Wallace Rudolph West was not amused.

He had tried nearly everything so far:

_1._ Throwing it out of one of the Watchtower's airlocks. (It had reappeared on his head two seconds later.)  
_2._ Wrapping it around a heavy rock and dumping it somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. (Showed up at his desk at work.)  
_3._ Flushed it down the toilet. Fifteen times. (Somehow ended up in his dryer.)  
_4._ Dumped it in the Missouri River, again weighted down by a rock. (Reappeared in his backpack)  
_5._ Threw it off the Eiffel Tower. (Landed on the head of a Bulgarian tourist. Wally had tried to give it to him, but the man wouldn't take it.)

It was about this time that the Flash had fled to some obscure village in Peru in a vain attempt to out run the Speedo.

The Speedo had materialized on a fence post near him. Wally had stared at it in rage while some nearby alpacas gave him a curious look.

Wallace Rudolph West was OUTRAGED!

"**I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!**"

Dozens of birds took flight as the grazing alpacas ran away. One brave donkey glared at the strange human who would dare disrupt his peace.

He reminded Wally strangely of Bruce.

Wally sat cross-legged on the ground as he pondered his dilemma. Dropping Oliver Queen into a vat of boiling oil came to mind.

"Stop looking at me!" Wally yelled. The donkey was still glaring at him. The Flash scowled at it. Perhaps it only understood Spanish.

"Go! Shoo!" He stood up and waved his hands at it.

The donkey stamped its foot and snorted. Wally, upset by the day's events so far, was not about to give in to a furry four legged creature. He brought his eyes down to the same level as the irate animal and glared at it.

The staring contest began.

Wally continued to glare as the donkey munched nonchalantly on some grass. His face reddening to match his scarlet costume, the Flash raced away and raced back up in an attempt to scare the animal.

The donkey hee hawed at him.

"Stupid donkey!" Wally threw the Speedos at it. The animal merely picked it up with its teeth and dropped it back over the fence. Sputtering now, Wally waved his arms rapidly in outrage. A small commotion from behind made him whirl around to see two young Peruvian boys staring at him.

Wally raced away.

……………………………………………………

Oliver Queen stared thoughtfully down at the pad of paper in his hand. He was using his time in the infirmary wisely. Green Arrow already had a long list of 27 excruciating punishments to inflict on the evil soul who had sent him the Speedo.

Now if he could only discover who it was.

Ollie's pen rested on the pad of paper. It obviously wasn't Wally. A magic user?

The image of Dr. Fate came to mind and Green Arrow immediately scoffed at the idea. Zatanna perhaps, but Dr. Fate was as likely as J'onn J'onnz giving up Oreos. Of course, it didn't have to be a magic user directly. The idea could have come from someone else.

Which was why Ollie crossed Booster Gold and Blue Beetle off the list. Booster wasn't exactly high on Zatanna's list of favorite people. Diana? _Hmm..no_. Ollie made another line on the list of names.

Huntress? Ollie paused. _Maybe. _Green Arrow wasn't sure how she or Question would have managed it, but they were likely suspects. As were…no…Kara and Ted had been too surprised.

Bruce? _No…he…well…_the man was certainly sadistic enough but the Speedo seemed too crude to be his creation. Ollie looked up as the doors to his room swished open.

_Well, speak of the devil._

"Feeling well, Queen?" Bruce asked. Was it Ollie's imagination or was he wearing a smirk? He wouldn't be surprised, gossip spread quickly on the Watchtower. Wait…why was Amanda Waller with him!?

"Mrs. Waller," Ollie said, hiding his surprise. Of course he knew of Waller's new appointment concerning the League, but why was she…?

"Quite a show you put on yesterday, Mr. Queen," Amanda Waller smirked. Ollie glared at her. Then he noticed that Bruce's lips were quivering ever so slightly.

"You _are_ laughing at me!" Ollie accused, pointing his figure at the Bat. Batman immediately clamped his lips tight into an emotionless mask.

"I'm not buying it Bruce!" Ollie continued. "Even if you're hiding it, you're still mocking me in your head!"

"You're right, I am," Came the reply. Oliver Queen scowled, especially when Amanda Waller's smirk widened.

"You two have a _real_ reason for seeing me, or did you just come to mock me?" Green Arrow asked icily. Waller and Bruce exchanged a look, as well a couple of hidden smirks, before looking at him again.

"We want to find out who was responsible," Waller finally said, barely hiding her amusement.

"_Great_, so do I," Ollie replied sarcastically. Still, he was listening.

"Whoever did this is disrupting League business," Batman continued. "Let's not forget that, at this very minute, Flash is probably too distracted to even…"

"Do anything useful," Waller finished. Ollie snickered; it only served Wally right for taunting him.

"Well I certainly don't know," Ollie said. "I'm still trying to figure it out." To emphasize his point, the still sore Green Arrow pointed irately at his list. Dinah was also searching through the security cameras for him, but so far had found nothing.

"Right now I don't have the time," Bruce stated impassively.

"Yeah, righ.."

"However," Bruce glared (which had no effect on Green Arrow of course); "Elongated Man has taken an interest and has offered to investigate."

"Ralph!" Ollie suddenly shouted. He quickly added Ralph Dibny to his list of suspects.

"Queen," Waller raised an eyebrow. "He's been assigned to help you, but…"

"I'll bet he just offered to help so he could cover up the fact that he did it," Ollie replied suspiciously.

"Well, if you don't want him to help…"

"No no!" Ollie cut the woman off. If Ralph wasn't involved, then he'd be a huge help. Of course, Oliver Queen would also unfortunately be in the man's debt. "He can help," he added quickly. But he was still going to keep an eye on him.

The other two nodded and turned to leave. Amanda Waller left as she had another appointment. Bruce Wayne also had an urgent appointment with some stockbrokers, but he couldn't resist pausing at the door to smirk at the other man.

"By the way, I have pictures."

Ollie's face froze as Bruce Wayne silently slipped out of the room.

Then he added the name 'Bruce Wayne' to his list of people to kill.

But he muttered some obscenities first.

…………………………………………………………

Wally had collapsed on the couch, too exhausted and hungry to move. Of course, it wasn't his couch, mind you. He had sought refuge at his aunt and uncle's house.

Now if only Bart would leave him alone.

"Go away!" Wally shouted, half heartedly throwing a pillow at his cousin. Usually he wasn't so short with him, but Wally West was having a bad day.

"Whoa..Where'd you get the stupid Speedo?"

"It's not mine!"

"Then why do you have it?" Bart asked innocently.

"Because it won't go away!" Wally yelled. His cousin snorted.

"That's stupid, how can it go…"

"BECAUSE IT WON'T! IT'S CURSED!"

"Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"SHUT UP! I'VE HAD A BAD DAY!"

"That's a stupid reason! You don't need to take it out on me!"

"You're the stupid one!" Wally shouted.

"No I'm not, _Stupid_!"

"Stupid!"

"_Stupid_!"

"STU…"

"**WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE!?"**

Both males cringed at the sound of Iris West Allen. Wally backed away in fear as his aunt came storming into the living room, determined to know the cause of the argument. With great reluctance, he ended up telling her the whole story.

Bart was rolling on the floor with laughter. His Aunt Iris was covering her eyes in what looked to be a cross between a sigh and a chuckle.

"It's not funny!" Wally wailed.

"Wally…" Iris paused. "How did this start again?"

"I told you, it was after Arrow said that it was mine now and…wait…" A light bulb clicked in Wally's mind. A devious look glinted in his eyes as he held the Speedo out to Bart.

"No!" Iris commanded. "I want that thing out of this house!"

Wally fumed at the smirk on his younger cousin's face. Then he raced out of the house, determine to leave a gift to some unsuspecting person.

After he raided his aunt and uncle's fridge.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Come on Ralph! What'm I supposed to do with it?" Wally asked through a mouthful of pasta. He had already tried unsuccessfully to give the Speedo to Bruce, but Alfred had been forewarned. One stern look from the old man and Wally guiltily sped out of the mansion.

He had briefly considered Shayera, but it just seemed wrong to give the Speedo to a woman.

John however…

Hey, he could give it to Booster!

"Look Wally, I'm supposed to be investigating this," Elongated Man answered, trying to decipher Oliver Queen's handwriting. The archer had shoved his 'research' at the detective. Ralph Dibny took a sip of coffee as he finally threw the list at Wally. Wally, ever curious, grabbed the paper.

"He suspects you?"

"Yeah, funny how that is seeing that I'm investigating this for him."

"Well, I don't blame him for being paranoid."

"Yeah, I…"

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this…_thing_ Ralph?" Wally asked tiredly, pointing at the Speedo laying innocently between them. Ralph looked at it before pushing it away with a pen. He had no desire to touch it.

"Give it away to someone," Ralph muttered. "My problem isn't stopping you, it's figuring out how to stop _it_." As well as who had originally sent it.

Wally glared down at the offensive article of swimwear. He also tried to ignore the fact that every male in the cafeteria was sitting as far away from him as possible.

"Alright Magic Speedo, let's get one thing straight," Wally angrily pointed a finger at the Speedo. "I don't want you. I don't _like_ you. The next guy to walk through that door is your new owner. Kapeesh?"

Seconds later, the doors swished open to reveal Aquaman, King of Atlantis.

Wally's face paled by several degrees under his mask. Elongated Man noticed this and snickered.

"Can't back down now Flash, Thou shalt not break your promise."

Wally gulped. The idea of handing the Speedo to Aquaman terrified him. However, seeing that Ollie hadn't done that to him…

"I'lljustleaveithere," Wally said rapidly. "Hecangetitlater." With that, the Scarlet Speedster zoomed nervously out of the room.

"Your funeral," Ralph chuckled. He picked up Ollie's list again and stared at it.

"Damn it Arrow, I can't read your writing!"


	4. Luthor

**The Speedo of Doom**

_Chapter Four: Luthor_

"For the love of God I can't take it anymore!"

To say that Wallace Rudolph West had snapped was a gross understatement. For twenty-fours after 'giving' the hated Speedo to the King of Atlantis, the Flash had lived in fear of his life.

Despite being the Fastest Man Alive, an irate Aquaman had somehow managed to corner the luckless speedster behind a bar in Jamaica. Wally strongly suspected that the Atlantean had forced Dr. Fate to use magic to track him.

"Calm down Kid."

"Shut up John!" Wally shouted. He brandished the blue Speedos at the Green Lantern, who warily eyed the cursed swimwear.

"What am I supposed to do!?" Wally moaned. John Stewart rubbed his chin thoughtfully. At the moment, every male in the League, except for John and Bruce, was keeping their distance from the Scarlet Speedster. Even a certain Kryptonian was keeping his distance from the younger man.

"Give it away, that's the simplest explanation," Kara Kent offered. She idly flipped through a fashion magazine as the trio lounged in front of a large television. For some inexplicable reason, John Stewart was watching House Hunters.

"Like who?" Wally countered. Kara smirked at him before leaning toward him.

"Give it to Luthor," she whispered slyly. John choked on the water he was drinking and turned to look at Wally…

But the Flash was already gone.

………………………………………………………………

Lex Luthor had known it was going to be a bad day from the moment he woke up:

**1.** His fingers had gotten jammed in a door. (Copperhead had paid dearly for it.)  
**2.** Livewire had drained all the power from the Legion's headquarters and they were now temporarily running on emergency power.  
**3.** Queen Bee, Volcana, and Killer Frost had gotten into a cat fight of epic proportions. (Actually, he had enjoyed watching that one.)**  
4.** Bizarro had…dear God, when _didn't_ the idiotic buffoon do anything stupid!?  
**5.** Tala was away on a mission for a few days, so he couldn't have random sex to make everything better.  
**6.** Oh, and Superman was still alive.

His first inclination that the day had gotten worse was when he walked into the Legion's boardroom to find a strange, 'JL' inscribed blue Speedo sitting at his place. The supervillain genius had paused to glare coldly at it before swiping it off the table and stalking out of the room.

The rest of the Legion had frozen when the irate man began bellowing at them, demanding who had dared to place such a foul object at _his_ seat on _his_ table.

No one had dared to answer. Not to worry though, Lex would sort it out later. For now, he'd get rid of the damned thing first.

He threw it in the trash. Which, as Lex came to find out, did not work as it should have.

The Speedo had reappeared in his briefcase.

Growing more irate, as he thought that a second Speedo had somehow been planted without his knowledge (it hadn't occurred to him yet that it was the same one), he growled as he also threw this one into the trash.

The next time that Lex came across the increasingly irritating clothing, he had stepped into the men's restroom to discover that it was folded up and stuffed neatly inside his jacket.

"**Who the hell is responsible for this!?"**

There was no answer except for the slamming of stall doors as the current occupants of the said restroom raced out. Outside however, one Legion member asked another what Luthor meant.

"He's probably having impotency problems," another villain answered sagely. The others nodded in agreement before racing off to avoid the wrath of Luthor.

**Meanwhile:**

"You…gave it to_ Luthor_?" Ollie asked in astonishment. He and Ralph Dibney looked at each other and back at the Scarlett Speedster before the three broke into laughter.

"How'd you manage that?" Ralph asked between laughs. The Flash gave a wide smile as he gave a gallant bow to his two friends.

"It wasn't hard actually," the Flash answered. "All I had to say was that the Speedo was now the property of a one Lex Luthor and _Poof_! It was gone!"

Oliver Queen gave a snicker and soon the three men had tears in their eyes from several minutes of continuous laughter.

……………………………………………………………

"WHAT KIND OF SORCERY IS THIS!?"

Oh yes, Lex Luthor had finally figured out that it was the same Speedo that kept reappearing.

Of course, the said realization may have come after firing his gun repeatedly at the cursed swimwear and then dropping it in a vat of acid.

A vein threatened to pop on Luthor's bald head as he resolved to destroy the piece of cloth (and kill whoever gave it to him.)

With murderous intent, the Leader of the Legion of Doom poured gasoline over the Speedo and lit a match.

……………………………………………..

"Your move Sinestro."

The evil Green Lantern stared down at the set of cards in his hands. Parasite gave him a smirk as he eyed the three Aces in his hands.

"Hmm…" Sinestro bent over to remove a new card from the deck when an unwelcome intruder interrupted their game, wrapping an arm around the stiff Green Lantern.

"Cards! Oooh! I love cards! I especially _love_ the Joker."

"Beat it Joker!" Parasite threatened. The Joker took a step back and pointed at himself.

"Moi? Leave?" he asked. His eyes narrowed maliciously. "I think _not_."

Sinestro was preparing to strike the pale faced man when…

"**FIRE!!!!"**

…………………………………………….

Lex raced out of the room as the sprinklers came on. Was it even natural for such a small thing to create a room full of flames!?

……………………………………………..

"Wally!"

Wally West jumped as Bruce Wayne entered unannounced into his private room. The younger man could feel a Bat Glare building beneath the dark mask.

"What _now_?" the Flash complained. "I have a test tomorrow!" He brandished his college chemistry book at the Bat and contemplated throwing it. The Bat Glare intensified.

"Dr. Fate and Zatanna were going to examine the Speedo," Bruce answered. "They were going to try to determine what kind of magic had been used on it. At least, they would have if _you_ hadn't given it to Luthor." Bruce crossed his arms, but Wally swore that the corner of the older man's lips twitched ever so slightly.

It was probably his imagination though.

"If I'd known you wanted it so bad, I'd have given it to you," Wally answered innocently. "Maybe you should go ask Luthor for it."

Bruce gave him an impassive stare before turning around and gliding silently out the room.

Wally chuckled to himself.

"Wally, 52. Bruce, 43."

………………………………………………….

"Watch out, he's gone mental!"

Various members of the Legion ran for their lives as Luthor strapped the hated Speedo to a bomb. Others lounged around curiously as the bald maniac prepared to blow up the piece of swimwear. Captain Cold and the Trickster began to cash in the money as they started a betting pool on whether or not Luthor would manage to kill himself.

Luthor, however, had the presence of mind to blow up the bomb _outside_ of the hidden compound.

There was a moment of silence when their fearless leader raced outside to check on the status of his victim.

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"**

"Luthor, 0. Speedo, 21," Trickster muttered.

…………………………………………………..

Vic Sage hummed to himself as he sauntered down the hall. So far, no one had realized that he was the one to have given the Speedo to Oliver Queen. He would be a happy man as long as it stayed that way.

Now if only he could figure out who was behind the prank.

He suspected involvement by the Illuminati.

…………………………………………………..

Tala the sorceress hummed to herself as she imagined the look of delight on Lex's face. The man had no idea she would be returning today. The thought of what they would do in bed later filled her with excitement.

At least, until she stepped into the Legion's headquarters.

The sorceress looked around in bewilderment as men and women ran screaming. Several walls looked as if they had been blown up. She could hear a weapon's discharge coming from the other end of the compound.

She could also hear what suspiciously sounded like Luthor screaming in fury.

A minute later, her suspicions were proven correct when a wild eyed Lex came racing towards her, brandishing a bright blue Speedo.

"Tala!" he roared. "Get rid of this! NOW!"

Tala stared blankly at him.

"**ARE YOU DEAF WOMAN?"**

"Er…Lex? Do you mind explaining what…?" Before the sorceress could finish however, Bizarro peered over her shoulder. The failed Superman clone gazed at the blue Speedo in awe.

"Pretty…." Bizarro said. He held out a massive hand towards Luthor. "Bizarro want!"

Lex looked at Tala. Tala looked at Luthor. Both looked at Bizarro. Luthor shrugged as he handed it to the large creature.

"I suppose that's one way of getting rid of it," Luthor smirked. As he placed the Speedo in Bizarro's hand, it inexplicably disintegrated.

The threesome stared as dust trickled through the clone's massive hand. Unbeknownst to them, a watching Circe had undone the spell. Snickering silently, the goddess watched to see what would happen.

"Er…" Tala muttered, still unsure as to what was going on. Luthor's smirk widened as his hated adversary disappeared.

His smirk disappeared at the look of rage on Bizarro's ugly face.

"Oh. Shit," Lex swore. Bizarro's face reddened. And reddened. And reddened some more.

"**BIZARRO SMASH!!!!"**

As Bizarro tore apart the compound, Luthor cursed the fates. He should have just stayed in bed today.

………………………………………………………………….

Several days had passed when Oliver Queen stepped into an elevator. He gave a pause when he saw that the Question was humming to himself in a corner. Ollie shrugged as he stepped inside.

"Ever figure out who gave you that Speedo?" the Question asked carefully. The Green Arrow gave a scowl and crossed his arms.

"No, but when I do, he or she is dead," Ollie vowed darkly.

The Question smiled underneath his mask.

At least, until he stepped out of the elevator and came face to face with J'onn J'onzz. The Martian gave him an impassive stare before turning to the green clad archer.

"It was him," J'onn stated. The Green Arrow gave an outraged roar and took off after a fleeing Question.

Both men would later end up in the infirmary after an intensive brawl outside one of the shuttle bays.

_**Author's note**: I will be updating more frequently now on my other stories. I will be updating my author's profile at least once a week. You can check there to see the current status of my stories. _


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